How to Fix a Sexless Marriage: 7 Steps That Actually Work

It’s been months—maybe years—since you’ve had sex with your spouse.

You’ve tried everything: romantic dinners, date nights, buying lingerie, having “the talk” about how you need more intimacy. Nothing works.

Your spouse makes excuses. They’re too tired. Too stressed. Not in the mood. And after enough rejection, you’ve stopped trying altogether.

You’re living like roommates, not lovers. And you’re wondering if it will ever change.

I’m Cass Morrow, and I’ve coached hundreds of men through this exact situation. I’ve also lived it. There were years when Kathryn and I had virtually no physical intimacy. The rejection hurt. The loneliness was crushing. I wondered if we’d ever have a normal sex life again.

Today, our intimacy—emotional and physical—is better than it’s ever been. And I’ve helped thousands of couples go from sexless to passionate using the exact framework I’m about to share with you.

This isn’t theory. This is what actually works.

Why “Trying Harder” Doesn’t Fix a Sexless Marriage

Before we get to the solution, let’s talk about why everything you’ve tried hasn’t worked.

Most men approach a sexless marriage like this:

• Try to initiate more → Get rejected more → Feel worse
• Have “the talk” → Spouse feels pressured → Shuts down further
• Buy gifts or plan dates → Temporary effort → No lasting change
• Get angry or resentful → Create more distance → Make things worse

Here’s the problem: You’re treating the symptom (no sex) instead of the root cause (broken intimacy, respect, or emotional connection).

A sexless marriage is like a check engine light. You can put tape over the light, but the car still has a problem. You need to look under the hood.

According to the Gottman Institute, sexual intimacy is a reflection of the overall health of the relationship. When the marriage is broken, sex breaks too.

So stop trying to fix the sex. Fix the marriage.

The 7 Steps to Fix a Sexless Marriage

These steps work—if you commit to them for months, not weeks.

Step 1: Stop Pressuring for Sex

I know this sounds backward, but the more you pressure your spouse for sex, the less they want it.

Pressure creates resistance. It makes sex feel like an obligation, a chore, something they “owe” you. And no one wants obligatory sex—not you, not them.

What to do instead:

• Stop initiating for 30 days (yes, really)
• Stop talking about the lack of sex
• Stop sighing, pouting, or making comments when they reject you
• Remove the pressure entirely

When you stop pressuring, your spouse’s guard comes down. They can breathe. And only when they feel safe can they begin to reconnect with their own desire.

This doesn’t mean you’re giving up on intimacy. It means you’re creating the conditions where intimacy can return.

Step 2: Rebuild Emotional Connection

You can’t have physical intimacy without emotional intimacy.

If your wife doesn’t feel emotionally connected to you—if you don’t talk about anything meaningful, if you don’t listen to her, if you’re not present—sex feels empty. Transactional. Maybe even violating.

Most sexless marriages are emotionally dead long before they’re physically dead.

How to rebuild emotional connection:

• Ask real questions. Not “How was your day?” but “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What’s something you’re excited about?”
• Listen without fixing. When she shares, don’t immediately offer solutions. Just listen. Validate. “That sounds really hard.”
• Share your own emotions. Vulnerability creates intimacy. Tell her how you’re feeling—about life, work, the marriage.
• Put down your phone. Be fully present when you’re together.

When Kathryn and I started having real conversations again—not about logistics or problems, but about our dreams, fears, and inner worlds—our emotional connection returned. And when that happened, physical intimacy followed.

Read more: How to Reconnect with Your Wife.

Step 3: Create Emotional Safety

If your spouse doesn’t feel safe with you emotionally, their body will not relax enough to feel desire.

Emotional safety means:

• No yelling, name-calling, or angry outbursts
• No defensiveness when they share how they feel
• No manipulation, guilt-tripping, or blame
• Consistency and predictability (they know what to expect from you)

This was my biggest issue. My narcissistic behaviors—defensiveness, gaslighting, emotional volatility—made Kathryn feel constantly unsafe. Her nervous system was in fight-or-flight mode. Sex was the last thing she wanted.

When I started therapy, learned to manage my emotions, and stopped being reactive, she could finally relax around me.

Only then could intimacy return.

Step 4: Rebuild Respect

Here’s a hard truth: Your spouse won’t desire you if they don’t respect you.

Respect is the foundation of attraction. When a woman loses respect for her husband—when she sees him as lazy, passive, unreliable, or weak—desire dies.

How to rebuild respect:

• Be consistent. Do what you say you’ll do.
• Lead. Make decisions. Take initiative. Don’t be passive.
• Pull your weight. Share household and parenting responsibilities.
• Work on yourself. Get in shape. Pursue your goals. Be someone you respect.

When you become a man your wife can respect again—when you show strength, leadership, and consistency—attraction naturally follows.

This is Pillar 2: Partnership in our framework. Learn more: How to Save Your Marriage.

Step 5: Reintroduce Non-Sexual Physical Touch

If you’ve been in a sexless marriage for a while, jumping straight to sex feels jarring for both of you.

Start with non-sexual touch:

• Hold hands while watching TV
• Hug for at least 6 seconds (this releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone)
• Kiss hello and goodbye
• Put your hand on their back when you walk past
• Give a foot rub or back massage with zero expectation of sex

This is critical: the touch needs to be genuinely non-sexual. If your spouse feels like every touch is a ploy to get sex, they’ll avoid all touch.

But when touch is safe, affectionate, and non-pressuring, it rebuilds physical comfort and intimacy.

Step 6: Become Attractive Again

Harsh truth time: Have you let yourself go?

• Are you 30 pounds heavier than when you got married?
• Do you dress like a slob?
• Have you stopped pursuing your goals and passions?
• Are you boring, predictable, and low-energy?

Your spouse isn’t obligated to be attracted to you. Attraction isn’t a choice—it’s a biological response.

If you want your spouse to desire you, you need to be desirable.

What to do:

• Get in shape. Hit the gym. Eat better. Take care of your body.
• Dress better. Stop wearing ratty clothes. Put in effort.
• Pursue your purpose. Be passionate about something other than your marriage.
• Have fun. Be playful, energetic, and positive.

When I started working out, dressing better, and building my business, Kathryn noticed. She didn’t say anything at first, but I could see it—she was looking at me differently.

Attraction isn’t negotiated. It’s earned.

Step 7: Address Underlying Issues

Sometimes the lack of sex isn’t just relational—it’s medical, psychological, or trauma-related.

Medical issues that can cause low libido:

• Low testosterone (men)
• Hormonal imbalances (thyroid, menopause, postpartum)
• Depression or anxiety
• Medications (antidepressants, blood pressure meds)
• Chronic pain or illness

Psychological issues:

• Past sexual trauma or abuse
• Religious guilt or shame around sex
• Performance anxiety
• Unresolved resentment or anger

Behavioral issues:

• Porn addiction (rewires the brain away from real intimacy)
• Emotional affairs
• Substance abuse

If any of these are in play, you need professional help:

• See a doctor for bloodwork and hormonal testing
• See a therapist for trauma, anxiety, or relational issues
• See a sex therapist if there’s sexual dysfunction or past abuse
• Join a recovery program if addiction is involved

Don’t skip this step. Some sexless marriages won’t improve until the underlying issue is addressed.

What If Only One Spouse Wants to Fix It?

This is the hardest scenario: you’re desperate to rebuild intimacy, but your spouse seems completely checked out.

Here’s what to do:

1. Stop Making It About Sex

Every conversation shouldn’t be about the lack of intimacy. That makes your spouse feel like a commodity, not a partner.

Focus on rebuilding the relationship—friendship, respect, emotional connection. Sex will follow.

2. Work on Yourself

Become the best version of yourself—with or without their cooperation.

When you stop being needy and start being confident, vibrant, and purpose-driven, your spouse gets curious.

“Why aren’t they pressuring me anymore? Why do they seem so happy?”

Curiosity can reignite attraction.

3. Give It Time

If you’ve only been making changes for a few weeks, that’s not enough.

Your spouse has been turned off for months (maybe years). It will take consistent effort over months before they believe the change is real.

Don’t quit right before the breakthrough.

Common Mistakes When Trying to Fix a Sexless Marriage

Mistake 1: Focusing Only on Sex

The lack of sex is a symptom, not the root problem. If you only focus on getting sex back without addressing emotional disconnection, resentment, or lack of respect, you’ll fail.

Mistake 2: Grand Gestures

A surprise vacation or expensive gift won’t fix a sexless marriage. These are band-aids on a bullet wound.

Focus on the daily, unsexy fundamentals: respect, consistency, emotional connection.

Mistake 3: Talking Instead of Doing

“We need to talk about our sex life.”

Stop talking. Start changing.

Your spouse doesn’t need another conversation. They need to see real, sustained change in who you are and how you show up.

Mistake 4: Giving Up Too Soon

Most people try for 2-3 weeks, see no improvement, and quit.

It takes months. Be patient. Be consistent. Keep showing up.

How Long Does It Take to Fix a Sexless Marriage?

Every marriage is different, but here’s a general timeline:

• Month 1: Stop making things worse. Create peace and stability.
• Month 2-3: Rebuild emotional connection and respect.
• Month 4-6: Physical intimacy begins to return (usually starting with non-sexual touch).
• Month 6+: Sexual intimacy becomes more frequent and natural.

If you’ve been sexless for years, don’t expect it to be fixed in a few weeks.

But if you stay consistent, it will change.

Real Hope for Your Sexless Marriage

Here’s the truth: I’ve seen hundreds of sexless marriages come back to life.

Men who thought their wives would never desire them again—now they have passionate, fulfilling sex lives.

Women who thought their husbands had given up—now they feel cherished and pursued.

It’s possible. But it requires both of you to engage eventually.

The good news? One person can start the process. And when one person changes, the entire dynamic shifts.

Ready to Fix Your Sexless Marriage?

If you’re serious about rebuilding intimacy, I can help.

I coach men in The Marriage Reset—teaching you how to become the man your wife desires, not through pressure, but through transformation.

We focus on the 3 pillars: Peace, Partnership, Passion. When you master these, intimacy returns naturally.

For Women: My wife Kathryn coaches women in The White Picket Fence Project—helping navigate intimacy struggles, difficult partners, and how to reignite desire in marriage.

Want more free resources? Check out our Complete Guide to Sexless Marriage or listen to our podcast: Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce.

Your sexless marriage doesn’t have to stay sexless.

Let’s fix it together.

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Cass Morrow is a marriage coach who specializes in helping couples rebuild intimacy. After years in a sexless marriage himself, he and his wife Kathryn now teach the framework that brought passion back to their relationship.