Sexless Marriage: The Complete Guide to Understanding and Fixing It

You lie next to your spouse every night—yet you feel completely alone.

Months, maybe even years, have passed since you’ve had sex. When you try to initiate, you’re met with excuses, rejection, or cold silence. You’ve stopped trying because the rejection hurts too much.

You feel like roommates. Business partners. Co-parents. Anything but lovers.

You’re living in a sexless marriage—and you’re not alone.

I’m Kathryn Morrow, and I’ve coached hundreds of women (and my husband Cass has coached hundreds of men) through this exact situation. We’ve also lived it ourselves. There were years in our marriage when intimacy felt impossible, when the idea of sex was laughable, when we wondered if the passion would ever return.

Today, our marriage is more intimate—emotionally and physically—than it’s ever been. And we’ve helped thousands of couples go from sexless to passionate using the framework you’re about to learn.

This guide covers everything: why sexless marriages happen, what actually works to fix them, and how to rebuild intimacy even when your spouse seems completely uninterested.

What Is a Sexless Marriage?

Experts define a sexless marriage as one where couples have sex fewer than 10 times per year—roughly once a month or less.

But the definition doesn’t capture the pain.

A sexless marriage isn’t just about the lack of sex. It’s about:

• Feeling unwanted. Rejected. Unattractive.
• Resentment building. You feel angry, they feel pressured.
• Emotional distance. Without physical intimacy, emotional intimacy dies too.
• Loneliness. You’re married, but you’ve never felt more alone.

According to research, 15-20% of marriages are sexless—that’s millions of couples. And the number is growing, especially post-pandemic.

Why Do Marriages Become Sexless?

There’s no single cause. But after years of coaching couples and analyzing our own marriage, we’ve identified the most common reasons:

1. Lack of Emotional Connection

You can’t have physical intimacy without emotional intimacy.

If you’re constantly fighting, if trust is broken, if you don’t feel seen or heard by your partner—sex feels impossible. Why would you want to be physically vulnerable with someone who makes you feel emotionally unsafe?

This was us. Cass’s narcissistic behaviors (defensiveness, emotional outbursts, blame-shifting) created an environment where I felt anything but safe. Sex wasn’t just unappealing—it felt like another way to be used.

Women especially need to feel emotionally connected to desire sex. Men can compartmentalize more easily, but even they eventually shut down when emotional intimacy is gone.

2. Unresolved Resentment

Resentment is the silent killer of desire.

When you’re keeping score (“I do everything around here and they do nothing”), holding grudges, or replaying old arguments, your body physically cannot relax enough to feel turned on.

Resentment says: “I don’t trust you. I don’t respect you. I don’t like you.”

And you can’t desire someone you don’t like.

3. Physical or Mental Health Issues

Sometimes the cause is medical:

• Low testosterone (men)
• Hormonal changes (postpartum, menopause, thyroid issues)
• Depression or anxiety
• Medications (antidepressants, blood pressure meds)
• Chronic pain or illness

If there’s a medical component, sex won’t improve until you address it. See a doctor. Get bloodwork. Explore treatment options.

But here’s the thing: most sexless marriages aren’t primarily medical. They’re relational.

4. Pornography and Fantasy

This is more common than you think—and it affects both men and women.

When one partner (usually the husband, but not always) uses porn regularly, their brain rewires for fantasy instead of reality. Real sex with a real spouse feels boring compared to the dopamine hit of novelty.

According to the Gottman Institute, porn use is correlated with lower marital satisfaction and higher rates of sexless marriages.

If porn is in the picture, intimacy will stay broken until it’s addressed.

5. Kids, Stress, and Busyness

This is the most “acceptable” excuse, but it’s still an excuse.

Yes, raising kids is exhausting. Yes, careers are demanding. Yes, life is stressful.

But making sex a priority is a choice. When you constantly prioritize everything else—kids’ schedules, work, household tasks, Netflix—you’re saying “our intimacy doesn’t matter.”

Eventually, your spouse believes you. And they stop trying too.

6. One Partner Has Checked Out

Sometimes, lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger issue: your spouse has emotionally left the marriage.

They might not have physically left yet, but mentally? They’re done. And when someone is checked out, sex feels like lying. It feels like pretending everything’s okay when it’s not.

If this is your situation, read our guide on how to save your marriage alone.

The Cost of a Sexless Marriage

Let’s be honest about what’s at stake.

A sexless marriage doesn’t just mean less sex. It means:

Emotional Consequences:

• Loneliness and isolation
• Depression and anxiety
• Feeling unwanted and unattractive
• Loss of self-esteem

Relationship Consequences:

• Increased conflict and resentment
• Emotional affairs (seeking connection elsewhere)
• Physical affairs (seeking sex elsewhere)
• Divorce

Physical Consequences:

• Higher stress levels
• Weakened immune system
• Poor sleep quality
• Loss of physical health benefits of regular sex

According to research, couples who have regular sex report higher relationship satisfaction, better mental health, and even live longer.

A sexless marriage isn’t just sad—it’s damaging.

Can a Sexless Marriage Be Fixed?

Yes. Absolutely.

Cass and I went years with minimal intimacy. The idea of sex felt impossible. I had no desire. He felt rejected. The gap between us felt insurmountable.

But through intentional work—individually and together—we rebuilt our intimacy from the ground up. Today, our sex life is better than it was even in the honeymoon phase.

Here’s the truth: Fixing a sexless marriage requires both partners to engage eventually. But one partner can start the process.

If you’re the one reading this, you’re the one who can begin the change.

How to Fix a Sexless Marriage: The Framework

This isn’t a quick fix. You can’t go from months of no sex to passionate intimacy overnight. But if you follow this framework, you can rebuild—starting today.

Step 1: Diagnose the Root Cause

Before you can fix the problem, you need to understand it.

Ask yourself (honestly):

• Is there unresolved resentment or anger?
• Has trust been broken (infidelity, lies, betrayal)?
• Is there a medical or hormonal issue?
• Is porn or fantasy involved?
• Are we both just exhausted and overwhelmed?
• Has one of us emotionally checked out?

If you’re not sure, ask your spouse: “Why do you think we stopped having sex?”

Don’t get defensive. Just listen.

Step 2: Create Emotional Safety First

You cannot have physical intimacy without emotional safety.

This means:

• Stop fighting. If every interaction is an argument, your spouse’s body is in fight-or-flight mode. They can’t relax enough to feel desire.
• Stop pressuring for sex. The more you pressure, the more they retreat. Back off.
• Rebuild trust. Through consistency, honesty, and showing up.
• Validate their feelings. Even if you don’t agree, make space for their emotions.

When Cass created emotional safety—when I finally felt like he wasn’t going to explode, gaslight me, or blame me—my body could relax. Only then could I even consider intimacy again.

This is Pillar 1: Peace in our framework. Read more in our article on how to save your marriage.

Step 3: Rebuild Respect and Partnership

Desire follows respect.

If your spouse doesn’t respect you—if they see you as lazy, selfish, unreliable, or emotionally immature—they won’t desire you sexually. Period.

How to rebuild respect:

• Take ownership of your part in the marriage breakdown
• Be consistent. Do what you say you’ll do.
• Pull your weight (household, parenting, emotional labor)
• Work on yourself (therapy, coaching, personal growth)
• Show up as a partner, not a burden

When Cass started therapy for his narcissism, when he took ownership instead of blaming me, when he showed consistency for months (not days)—my respect returned.

And when respect returned, desire followed.

Step 4: Prioritize Non-Sexual Touch

If you’ve been in a sexless marriage for a while, jumping straight to sex feels jarring—for both of you.

Start with non-sexual physical touch:

• Hold hands while watching TV
• Hug for 6+ seconds (this releases oxytocin)
• Kiss hello and goodbye
• Sit close on the couch
• Give a shoulder rub without expecting it to lead to sex

This rebuilds physical comfort and safety. It rewires your brains to associate touch with safety, not pressure.

Step 5: Date Each Other Again

When was the last time you went on a real date? No kids. No distractions. Just the two of you?

Schedule weekly date nights. Not as a chore—as a priority.

• Talk about things other than logistics (kids, bills, schedules)
• Be playful. Flirt. Laugh.
• Remember why you fell in love
• Build emotional connection

Emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical intimacy.

Step 6: Address Medical or Psychological Barriers

If you’ve done all the above and sex still isn’t improving, get professional help:

• See a doctor for hormone testing (testosterone, thyroid, etc.)
• Talk to a psychiatrist about medication side effects
• See a sex therapist if there’s trauma, pain, or dysfunction
• Get individual therapy if there’s depression, anxiety, or unresolved trauma

Don’t skip this step. Sometimes the issue is biochemical, and no amount of “trying harder” will fix it.

Step 7: Be Patient but Persistent

Rebuilding intimacy takes months, not weeks.

Your spouse’s guard won’t come down immediately. Trust takes time. Desire takes time.

But if you stay consistent—if you show up every day with peace, partnership, and patience—things will shift.

Don’t give up right before the breakthrough.

Common Mistakes When Trying to Fix a Sexless Marriage

Avoid these pitfalls:

Mistake 1: Focusing Only on Sex

The lack of sex is a symptom, not the root problem. If you only focus on getting sex back without addressing the deeper issues (emotional disconnection, resentment, lack of respect), you’ll fail.

Mistake 2: Pressuring Your Spouse

“We need to have sex or the marriage won’t work."
"It’s been three months—this isn’t normal.”

Pressure creates resistance. The more you push, the more they pull away.

Instead: Create the conditions where they want to have sex. Make yourself desirable again.

Mistake 3: Initiating the Same Way

If your spouse has rejected you 50 times when you try to initiate at bedtime, stop trying to initiate at bedtime.

Change your approach. Try mornings. Try flirting throughout the day with no expectation. Try building anticipation over several days instead of springing it on them.

Mistake 4: Ignoring Your Own Needs

Yes, you’re working on the marriage. But you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Take care of yourself. Work out. Eat well. Pursue hobbies. Maintain friendships. See a therapist.

You need to be okay whether the marriage improves or not. Ironically, when you stop being desperate, you become more attractive.

What If Only One Person Wants to Fix the Sexless Marriage?

This is the hardest scenario: you want intimacy back, but your spouse doesn’t seem to care.

Here’s what to do:

1. Stop Talking About It

I know this feels counterintuitive, but talking about the lack of sex makes it worse. Your spouse feels pressured. You feel rejected. The conversations go nowhere.

Stop talking. Start doing.

2. Work on Yourself

Become the most attractive version of yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally.

• Hit the gym
• Dress better
• Pursue your passions
• Be happy and confident (even if you have to fake it at first)

When you stop being needy and start being vibrant, your spouse notices.

3. Create Mystery and Space

Stop being so available. Stop revolving your life around them.

When you pull back (not out of spite, but to focus on yourself), your spouse gets curious. “Why aren’t they chasing me anymore?”

Curiosity can reignite attraction.

4. Give It Time

If you’ve only been making changes for a few weeks, that’s not enough. Your spouse is waiting to see if this is real or just another temporary effort.

Show them it’s real by being consistent for months.

When to Consider Leaving a Sexless Marriage

We believe most sexless marriages can be fixed. But there are exceptions.

Consider leaving if:

• Your spouse refuses to even acknowledge the problem
• They mock or belittle your needs
• There’s ongoing infidelity with no remorse
• They’ve completely checked out and won’t engage at all
• You’ve tried everything for 1+ years with zero change

A sexless marriage isn’t grounds for divorce by itself. But a marriage where one partner’s needs are consistently dismissed, mocked, or ignored? That’s a different story.

Read more: Signs Your Marriage is Failing.

Sex as the Thermometer, Not the Thermostat

Here’s a powerful reframe:

Sex isn’t what creates a good marriage. A good marriage creates good sex.

Sex is the thermometer—it measures the health of the relationship. When peace, partnership, and emotional connection are strong, sex naturally flows.

So stop trying to fix the sex. Fix the marriage.

Build emotional safety. Rebuild respect. Reconnect as friends and partners.

When you do, passion follows.

Real Hope for Your Sexless Marriage

Kathryn here. I want to end with this:

If you’re in a sexless marriage, I know how lonely it feels. I know the rejection stings. I know you wonder if you’ll ever feel desired again.

You will.

Cass and I rebuilt our intimacy from absolute zero. It took time. It took work. It took both of us being willing to change.

But today? Our marriage is everything I dreamed it could be—and more.

Your sexless marriage doesn’t have to stay sexless.

Ready to Rebuild Intimacy?

If you’re serious about fixing your sexless marriage, we can help.

For Men: Cass coaches men in The Marriage Reset—teaching you how to become the man your wife desires again, not through pressure but through transformation.

For Women: I coach women in The White Picket Fence Project—helping you navigate intimacy issues, difficult partners, and how to reignite desire in your marriage.

Want more free resources? Listen to our podcast: Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce where we dive deep into intimacy, connection, and marriage transformation.

Your sexless marriage isn’t a life sentence. It’s a problem with a solution.

Let’s solve it together.

---

Cass and Kathryn Morrow are marriage coaches who’ve helped thousands of couples rebuild intimacy. After nearly divorcing due to narcissistic abuse and emotional disconnection, they now teach the framework that saved their own marriage.