Do All Marriages Have Problems? Why "We'll Have Problems" Is the Problem

I was on the phone with a man the other day who had read my book and wanted to join the program. He told me he wanted to be a new man, create a new marriage and build a better life. Then he said, “But I know we’ll have problems.” I hear a version of that all the time, and I want to tell you what I told him. Do all marriages have problems? In the way most people say it, you’re just inviting them in.

What Does “I Know We’ll Have Problems” Do to Your Marriage?

You may have said something like it yourself: I know it won’t always be perfect, I know we’ll go through things, I know we’re going to fight. Society has conditioned you to believe it. Kathryn pointed out that all of it is true in the grand scheme of things. The trouble is the way people say it, as if problems are going to happen all the time.

We do fight. It’s about once a year, it doesn’t last long, and we’re friends again within two hours. Kathryn says minutes. When you accept that conflict is constant, you speak that way, and your marriage follows.

What I say on coaching calls is this: stop breathing death into your marriage. Stop breathing death into your life. The way you speak matters. When you talk like that man did, you create the problems in your mind and you allow them to happen.

Say “I Miss You,” Not “You’re Never Here”

Here’s an example from my own house. I told Kathryn that day, “I just really miss you today.” If I had said, “You’re not here. We don’t spend enough time together,” her answer would have been, “You never talk to me. You always ignore me.” Would I have gotten what I wanted? No. She’d have given me more space.

Instead, she finished her meal and came over. She asked if her baby needed a hug, and she gave me a big one. I found out later that she had eaten five bites and chugged a protein drink first so she could come hug her husband. She was starving, and she still came straight to me.

Insecurity works the same way. When you talk about it with accusations, it comes out as blame when what you really need is to feel loved. Your words decide which one she hears. If you want to see how a simple phrase can backfire, read why saying “I understand” makes your wife angrier.

The Great Dad Who Breathed Death Into His Marriage

I coached a man who was having a hard time connecting with his wife. I went roundabout with a few questions and found out he was dating his kids. He went on about what a great father he was. That was real life he was breathing into the kids.

Then he said, “I’m so connected with my kids already, we have such a great relationship, but my wife.” Right there he pushed her away. He wasn’t talking to her in that moment. He was talking to himself about the problem he was going to face, even if the problem was real.

We aren’t talking about denying facts. If something is going on, name it, make a plan and move. What I mean is the difference between that and complaining. If you start complaining and sit in it, you become the victim again. You prepare yourself to have exactly what you don’t want.

Life and Death Are in the Power of the Tongue

I used to think The Secret was hocus pocus. Kathryn says she no longer believes in the law of attraction, and she holds that for personal conviction reasons. What she does believe is that life and death are in the power of the tongue.

I’ll be clear about what I’m saying. I don’t believe you speak something and it manifests. When you speak it, you think it. When you think it, you feel it. And once you feel it, your actions usually follow. That’s why people who speak negatively stay in their pain and nothing changes.

Look at how you talk about yourself. You stand at the mirror, critique everything and never feel good. You may have things you want to change, and you can change your hair or your habits. That doesn’t make you ugly. Kathryn’s suggestion was to look at what you do like. Maybe it’s your eyelashes or the color of your eyes. Focus on that, and it bleeds into other things. For the longer version of this work, see how to grow as a man to save your marriage.

Praise What You Did, Then Pray and Act

Here’s a trap I see in the program. A man tells me, “My wife started talking to me. She opened up so much.” I tell him that’s great, but now he’s relying on her to produce the outcome he wanted. So I ask what he said, how he acted, and how many times he got rejected without pushing her away. How many times did he show up as the new man who made her feel safe enough to open up?

When you praise your own actions, you can do more of what worked and spot what didn’t. You create more of the exact thing you wanted.

Praying works the same way. In the prayer challenge I’m running, I tell the guys that praying won’t change it by itself. If God wills it, it changes. But in every one of those prayers there’s something in your flesh, in your earthly body, that you need to do. Today’s prayer was “Change Me First.” So many of you pray to change your spouse’s heart. The line I wrote is, “While you’re at it, will you look at mine?” If your marriage is already close to the edge, preventing divorce is where I’d start, and marriage coaching is how we do the work together.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do all marriages have problems?

Couples do disagree. But saying “I know we’ll have problems” as if they’re constant invites them. Kathryn and I fight about once a year, and we’re friends again quickly.

What does “breathing death into your marriage” mean?

It means speaking negatively about your marriage or yourself. Your words shape your thoughts and feelings, and your actions follow.

How do I tell my wife I miss her without starting a fight?

Say “I really miss you.” Skip the accusation, like “you’re never here.”

Is this the same as manifesting?

No. I don’t believe you speak something and it appears. I believe the way you speak shapes how you think, feel and act.

What should I do when I’m tempted to complain?

State the facts, make a plan, and pray. Then do the work.

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Stop breathing death into your marriage, and start speaking what you want.

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