Why Anger Management Doesn't Work in Marriage (Fix the Cause First)

You’ve tried counting to ten. You’ve tried breathing, walking away, all of it. And you still say things to your wife you don’t want to say. I know that place. The mandated anger management I sat through never did anything for me, and I finally understood why: anger usually isn’t the real problem. It’s a secondary emotion, and if you only manage the symptom, the cause keeps feeding it.

Why Doesn’t Anger Management Work? Anger Sits on Top of Something Else

Anxiety, anger, insecurity and depression all have a reason underneath them. You’re angry because you don’t like the way life is going. You’re sad because it doesn’t feel fair. You’re anxious because you’re afraid of the future.

When I was forced into anger management, nobody helped me ask what I was actually feeling. I had to go deeper on my own. Kathryn got me onto the feelings wheel from Gloria Wilcox, and there are apps built around it too. Some go too far, but the useful part is that it helps you name what you feel instead of just staring at the word “angry.” Most of us spend a lot of time in pain without ever identifying the emotion we’re in.

Naming it helps. It still isn’t where I’d start.

Fix the Cause Before You Learn to Process It

This week on a coaching call, a man in our program wanted to help a friend. He wanted to share my anxiety training, which I call 7 Minutes of Hell. I walk you through hell for seven minutes, then I walk you out of it, so you can handle your thought process when terrible emotions hit.

Dennis and I had to stop him. His friend had skipped the first 13 or 16 hours of training. That man could go into a major anxiety attack. We built that order by working with thousands of men, and it exists for a reason.

Here’s the point. There are fundamental changes you can make long before you ever need to put yourself through hell to deal with an emotion. Take responsibility for the things in your life that make you angry, that provoke your anxiety, that amplify your insecurity and keep you stuck.

If you fix the things making you angry, there’s less to be angry about. Kathryn’s reaction when I said it was “ding, ding, ding.” I still want you to learn how to process anger so you’re never belligerent or violent. But imagine how much easier that gets once the cause is handled. I cover the bigger version of this in how to grow as a man to save your marriage.

You Can’t Replace Yelling With Not Yelling

You’ve heard me say it before. You can’t just stop yelling and replace it with not yelling. You have to change some fundamentals about how you feel about life, so you make choices that let you feel okay even when your wife rejects you or pushes your buttons.

We talk a lot about men not understanding their feelings. My answer is that men were never taught how to be men first. You’re supposed to know your feelings, but you need the basics before you can read them.

Say you’re upset because your wife doesn’t talk to you respectfully. Look at what’s behind that. She’s upset, she feels deprioritized, and you’re not acting like a partner at home. Fix that before you work on your anger. You’ll probably get angry less when she isn’t on you all day. You can count backwards from ten and do box breathing, or you can look at the cause first. If your wife is worn out, my wife is tired of carrying the marriage is a good place to start.

Shame, Insecurity and the Man You Haven’t Learned to Be Yet

I was ashamed for a long time, and that fed my anger. My progress was slow because I wasn’t dealing with the causes of that shame. Now I’m a completely different person. I’m not ashamed of who I was, so most of the anger never comes up.

Insecurity works the same way. Maybe your dad left, or somebody made you feel worthless and not good enough. I get it. But you don’t need to go through all kinds of therapy sessions to uncover your past. Address the person who is insecure instead of the insecurity itself, and the load gets lighter. That’s also why therapy alone doesn’t move the needle for most marriages.

If a man is dealing with shame, I don’t even need to know what he did. When he becomes someone new, most of that feeling has nothing left to hold on to.

My Body Shop Story: “That’s on Me”

I’m angry right now, and I didn’t handle it perfectly. The body shop messed up my truck, the shop is closing down, and I have to get the truck out. The owner isn’t working with me to do it in a timely way. Kathryn’s version is simple: he took our money and didn’t do the job.

All true. But I asked what choices I made leading up to it. I should have pulled my truck from that guy a long time ago and cut my losses. I didn’t, because I’d been helping him build his business, and the minute he had a chance to get out, he did. So that’s on me.

Once I see it that way, there’s nothing left to be angry at. I dial it in, reflect, look at the cause, and don’t do it again. By the time you reach anger there are usually three layers, and anger is the third. Under all of it sits the person you want to be today, and chances are nobody ever taught you how. I didn’t have a role model either. If you want someone alongside you for that work, marriage coaching is exactly what we do.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why doesn’t anger management work for me?

It targets the symptom. Anger is a secondary emotion, so breathing and counting don’t touch the choices, responsibility and identity underneath it.

Is anger really a secondary emotion?

In my experience, yes. By the time you feel anger there are usually about three layers, and anger is the third. Fix what’s underneath and there’s less anger to manage.

How do I stop yelling at my wife?

You can’t replace yelling with not yelling. Change the fundamentals: take responsibility for what’s making you angry and become a partner at home. Then learn to process what’s left.

Do I need therapy to uncover my past before I can stop being angry?

No. You don’t need a pile of sessions to dig up your history. Work on the person who is insecure or ashamed today, and the load gets lighter fast.

What is the feelings wheel for?

It helps you name what you actually feel. Naming the emotion is a useful step, but fixing the cause comes first.

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Deal with the cause first, then learn to process what’s left.

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