Am I Enabling My Spouse? Validate the Emotion, Not the Behavior

Most men who ask “am I enabling my spouse?” are really asking a second question: why does nothing I say calm her down? The answer I give the men I coach is a rule I use every week. You can be mad, but you can’t be mean. And when your partner is the one being mean, you can validate the emotion without validating the behavior.

What Does “You Can Be Mad, But You Can’t Be Mean” Mean?

Here is how I teach it to my men. You can be mad, but you can’t slam doors or smash iPads. You can be mad, but you can’t throw steaks at someone’s head. I thought “mean” was a shorter title, so that’s the one I used. Kathryn pointed out that she says almost the same thing to our kids.

The rule works in both directions. It tells you what you can’t do when you’re angry, and it tells you what to look for when she is. If you want the foundation first, start with why saying “I understand” makes your wife angrier, because this episode builds directly on it.

Validating the Behavior Is How You Enable It

Far too many people get stuck validating the behavior. The example I gave last episode was a wife who says she’s leaving. A lot of men say “I understand” and even help pack her bags. Listen, we are trying not to get divorced. If she leaves, you are not validating that behavior. You’re trying to get to the feeling underneath it.

I coached one of Kathryn’s clients through this. Her husband was proceeding with a divorce, and she had hired a lawyer. You can’t say “I want to be with you” and hire a lawyer, because now which message does he believe? So step one was to drop the lawyer and open the meeting with something real: I put my lawyer on hold, I made mistakes, I love you, and I want to be with you.

Then she moves on to gratitude. Kathryn teaches her clients to build a list of everything they’re grateful for in their spouse. Share it while he’s still in the room. The key rule I gave her was that none of it can be about her. He’s leaving right now, so you stay curious. Ask whether something specific happened, and keep him in the conversation without agreeing that leaving is okay. Practical help here comes from marriage coaching, because the right words depend on the person in front of you.

Anger Is a Secondary Emotion

Say your wife throws frozen steaks at your head. It’s a crazy example, since most people aren’t getting steaks thrown at them. If something like that is happening all the time, you have a bigger problem that leans toward abuse, and you set a boundary for anything physical.

For ordinary anger, though, the normal move is to correct her. You judge, you criticize, you throw words back. Instead, I’m asking you to put the behavior on the back burner. We aren’t excusing it. We’re saying she’s angry and frustrated right now, so let’s address that. Something like: “Wow, you must be really angry right now. Can we talk about what just happened that gave you the impulse?”

Kathryn explained why this works. When someone is dysregulated, they aren’t using their whole brain. The prefrontal cortex goes offline and the amygdala runs the show. So behavior sits over here for a second while you deal with the frustration. Once your wife or husband opens up, you can get behind the secondary emotion to the primary one, which might be betrayal, loneliness or sadness. If you only focus on the behavior, you never reach the emotion. And you can’t skip a layer either, so you validate the anger first, because she may not even know what she’s feeling. I wrote more about this in how to stop yelling at your wife.

What I Was Really Feeling Under My Anger

I saw a reel from a woman with millions of followers, complaining about how draining her relationships were. Kathryn called that emotional immaturity, because you judge the person you chose and ignore your own part.

We get locked into the secondary emotions because they’re the ones we know. I used to say in my songs that I went back to anger because it’s where I recognized myself. Under it was a deep fear of losing Kathryn, the one woman who loved me. When she began to understand how I felt, we also found shock and almost panic, because the woman who spoke so highly of me was speaking to me that way. Those feelings had to be uncovered before anyone could validate them.

Depression, Spending and Insecurity: Where Enabling Hides

Take depression. People tell their partner or their kids, “I know it’s hard to be on the couch, but you should just get off the couch.” The tone is a different way of validating the behavior. Some go further and say it’s okay, or they ignore it. That’s enabling too. Saying you love someone and then letting them sit in chaos and sadness isn’t acceptable.

Kathryn has a client whose husband spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. She was ready to leave. But for years she had been lifting him up, fighting with him, and creating guilt and shame, which kept the pattern alive. If you tell someone not to spend money and then hand them a credit card, you’re validating the behavior. What works is hard conversations, deep connection, and understanding why they’re coping with money or alcohol or whatever it is.

Kathryn handled my insecurity the same way. She understood I was terrified but that I loved her. She tried to understand my feelings without validating my behavior or enabling the accusations. Enabling also comes from your own side. It happens when you shut down, go into victim mode, blame, withdraw, guilt or shame. “Your kids need you, get off the couch” won’t do it, because there’s no validation and no understanding, and you push them to the couch because now they feel worth less.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I’m enabling my spouse?

Ask whether you’re validating the behavior. Giving a credit card to someone who overspends, helping pack a bag, or ignoring a depressed partner on the couch are all forms of it.

What does it mean to validate the emotion and not the behavior?

You name what she’s feeling, like anger or frustration, and stay curious about it. You don’t agree that the behavior is okay.

Should I excuse my wife’s anger or yelling?

No. Put the behavior on the back burner while you deal with the emotion. For anything physical, set a boundary.

What is the difference between a secondary and a primary emotion?

Anger is usually secondary. Underneath it can be betrayal, loneliness or sadness. You validate the anger first so she can get to what’s underneath.

Can I fix this alone?

Many men can start alone, but if your marriage is close to the edge, preventing divorce is where I’d begin.

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Validate what she feels, and never the behavior.

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