When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex, Money and Marriage

When should you talk to your kids about sex, money and marriage? Earlier than feels comfortable. Cass and Kathryn Morrow say your kids will learn these things from someone, and if you stay silent, that someone will be a friend, a screen or an older kid. Be the first voice they hear, tell the truth at their age level, and do it as a team with your wife.

Here is what they cover on the episode, and how to start.

Silence does not protect them

Most parents avoid these talks to guard their kids. Kathryn says the opposite happens. When you do not have the conversation, your kids get the information somewhere else, and that is what they come to believe is true.

Cass says it plainly: if you are afraid of these conversations, you force your kids to learn from someone else, and then you get caught off guard. “What do you mean you have a boyfriend?” “What do you mean you’re pregnant?” Be the one they come to first. If you make them lie and hide, that part is on you.

Kathryn points out something else. Little kids hang on what you say. They think their parents know everything. A child who hears it from you has a very different starting point than one who hears it from a kid at school who heard it from another kid.

Start small and match their age

You do not need to sit your five-year-old down for the full talk. Kathryn describes how they handle it with their young kids. They do not talk about sex, but they do talk about kissing, hugging, love and marriage. That is a real conversation, at a level a small child can hold.

How old your kids are decides how much you say. Kathryn admits she has had to have a sexual-type conversation with their kids and it was not pleasant. Her point is that something more uncomfortable is imagining your kids hearing it from older kids, with nobody there to give them the truth.

If you do not know how to start, do some research and get ahead of it through ordinary conversation. Kids need to know they can bring you their questions no matter what.

What your kids see in your marriage

This is the part that matters most for husbands. Cass talks about the kids seeing what marriage looks like. If you and your wife are roommates, if sex has become a job on someone’s to-do list, if the distance is growing, they see it. They see the frustration of the spouse who is not getting what they need.

So begin with what is going on at home, before any script about the body. If this sounds like your house, read roommate marriage and how to spot a lonely marriage.

Talking to your kids about money

Cass and Kathryn say their kids know when money is good and when it is tight, and they tell them the truth either way. The goal is to keep it open and never secretive. Talk about how to save, why you tithe, what you do with money, why you buy some things and not others, how you make money and what you do for work.

There is a balance between mom and dad here, and they describe it. Dad may teach the value of a dollar and push his kids to work hard. Mom protects them so they never carry worry about whether there will be food on the table. Cass says the kids should know the family’s finances have nothing to do with them. You can do both, as long as you are on the same page.

When you and your wife disagree

Cass calls the disagreement triangulation. You teach differently, you split over what the kids can handle, and the kids end up caught between you. He says you can only find the balance if you are connected as a couple. Otherwise you will each go your own way.

His example: a man in his program wanted his 10-year-old and a teenager to read certain books, and his wife said no. Cass’s view was that he could meet his wife halfway, guarding the kids’ hearts and still educating them. The point of the episode, as Kathryn puts it, is that whether your partner wants to protect the children or not, the conversation still needs to happen. Your job is to walk through it together instead of going around her.

For more on keeping your kids out of the middle, see how to talk to your kids about marriage problems.

Tell them the truth about your marriage

Cass names the questions kids ask. Why is mommy on the phone? Why is daddy drinking all the time? Why are you guys fighting? Is it my fault? He says many parents cannot answer, because they are afraid to.

His answer: tell your kids the truth without making your partner look stupid. Take responsibility and show up the way you should now. Kathryn shares a moment when one of their kids asked why she had called their dad a name. It caught her off guard. She and Cass are open about the past, and their kids know Cass was once a very different man. Their kids know he almost went to jail, and the question on the episode is why you are so afraid.

You do not have to share everything Cass does. What you can take from it is that kids do better with honest, age-appropriate answers than with a house full of things nobody says.

If you are the one who fell short, start with ownership. That is the same work you do with your wife. See why am I so angry at my wife for a place to begin, and weaponized incompetence in marriage if your wife is carrying the load at home.

If your marriage is already in trouble, our divorce prevention page shows how we work with husbands who want to act before it is too late.

Frequently Asked Questions

At what age should I talk to my kids about sex?

Cass and Kathryn do not give one age. They say it depends on how old your kids are. With young children it can be about love, marriage, kissing and hugging. As they get older, the conversation grows. The point is to be the first voice they hear.

What if my wife does not want me to bring these topics up?

Cass’s advice is to meet her halfway. You can guard your kids’ hearts and still educate them. Kathryn says the conversation needs to be had either way, so walk through it with your wife instead of around her.

Should I tell my kids about our finances?

On the episode, they keep it open and honest, and they keep the kids from carrying any worry about it. Teach saving, giving and work. Make sure the kids know money problems are not their fault.

What do I say when my kids ask if our fighting is their fault?

Cass says to tell the truth without making your partner look bad. Take responsibility for your part and show up differently.

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Your kids are going to learn about all of it. You get to decide whether they hear it from you first.

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